Long-distance relationships are not worse than same-city ones; the real hurdle is the first three months after moving in together

While apart, long-distance relationships are actually more stable; research attributes this to idealizing the other person more than reality, and the less you meet the more idealized they become. The real hurdle is after you move in together. In follow-up data about half of long-distance couples reached the same-city step; the other half ended while still apart. Of the half who reunited, one third broke up within 3 months.

Cost

Travel costs, plus time on the road. You meet less often than same-city couples. The hard part is lasting through not seeing each other.

Benefit

Two studies reach the same conclusion. Long-distance relationships are more stable while apart than same-city ones. The reason is that idealization of the partner is markedly higher in long-distance relationships; the studies measured idealized distortion, romantic love, relationship memories, and perceived agreement. And the less often you meet, the more idealized the picture. But that stability holds only while both sides remain apart; once they become same-city, former long-distance couples are more likely to break up. The study that tracked long-distance to same-city gave these shares: about half of long-distance couples reached moving in together; the other half ended while still apart. Of the half who reunited, one third broke up within 3 months after reunion. Changes participants reported after reunion included: loss of autonomous space, knowing more of both the good and the bad about the other person, hard-to-arrange time, and more conflict and jealousy. Longer gaps between meetings while apart and stronger idealization meant less stability after reunion.

Notes

The sample was romantic relationships among US university students, not marriages, and from an earlier period; do not apply the absolute shares directly. Another study surveyed 717 long-distance and 425 same-city people. Quality differences between the two kinds of relationship were small; whether a relationship is good depends mainly on each person’s situation and the relationship itself, not on distance. So when deciding on long distance, do not use “long distance always ends” as the reason. What to prepare for is the months after reunion, when autonomous space shrinks, mutual knowledge grows, and conflict and jealousy also grow.

Sources · 3

1. Stafford L, Merolla AJ, Castle JD (2006). When long-distance dating partners become geographically close. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(6), 901-919. doi.org/10.1177/0265407506070472
2. Stafford L, Merolla AJ (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 24(1), 37-54. doi.org/10.1177/0265407507072578
3. Dargie E 等 (2015). Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(2), 181-202. doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2013.864367（备注里那项异地研究）