To close distance, take turns answering a set of questions that go from light to deep — do not learn scripts

Two strangers who take turns answering 36 questions that go from light to deep feel closer after 45 minutes than people who only make small talk for the same time. What works is taking turns telling the truth and going deeper layer by layer, not scripts. This only shows greater closeness at the time, not that it becomes a long-term relationship.

Cost

No money. It takes 45 minutes.

Benefit

Pair two strangers and have them take turns answering three sets of progressively deeper questions, 36 in all. Questions range from “Who would you most like to invite to dinner” to “When was the last time you cried in front of someone.” Closeness after 45 minutes was significantly higher than in a control group that made small talk for the same time. It was also higher than the average rating university students in that study gave their closest real-life relationships.

Notes

Only one experiment, with university students, measuring short-term closeness only, not whether it becomes a long-term relationship. The closeness in the experiment came from two people taking turns, layer by layer, saying real things about themselves — not from scripts, routines, or one-sided performance. So what works in conversation is “I say something real, and I ask something equally deep,” taking turns.

Sources · 1

1. Aron A, Melinat E, Aron EN, Vallone RD, Bator RJ (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: a procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377. doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003